Wednesday, December 9, 2015

hilang seri sengihan mu :/

at this exact moment last year , i would lay back on sofa with tv turned on showing kami histeria just to avoid ultimate silent  , my eyes and all my might were on my symbian nokia phone , typing and struggling but didn't feel that struggle back then like i said . it was wonderful . not that i didn't have any other things to do but i always made my time for you without realizing that those moments aren't repeatable this moment this year.

i was happy hearing that you were not alone anymore . well i was surprised at first to be honest as he was my friend . close friend back then . so close that i could reach his house in 5 minutes to ask him the truth but i didn't bother to do nonsense like that . one sentence popped in my mind at that time like oh no she broke her life principle . never thought it could be worse.

i thought that the moment we finished our battle as a students would amazing for us to continue our craziness but you are n't even responding to me right now . not a single bye or even hi that could enlighten me up like those days where your stories were in my mind . 

it's good to be loyal but .. at this moment , it was pretty unsure if your loyalty could be sustained until i see you both together as a family one day . i'm not saying that's impossible because i kind of doing the same damn thing but what i didn't do is abandoning friends. your story might tell me different thing in different perception that could blow my mind but the thing is , the privileges to hear your stories are now completely gone , sadly . your stories are now with him.

it's funny when we put trust on someone especially on their words and they act against them . i barely remember your life principle that i could write it down here but what i'm sure is you wont cross the line when the time isn't suitable  . you hurt once and you wont come back . do send him a deepest gratitude if he did a good work avoiding that to happen again .  but look at you now . i glad you are still happy and hoping you always will be .

i may came up late in your life story line , just like you came up all of the sudden changing my point of view on different gender friendship. but all my fear after all this time if one of us fall to another and ruining the beauty of friendship but it is different as you fall to another person .

at this moment you might be saying oh fiz do you only have me in your circle of friends or you still have your main character of your life right and yes the others i still have them but one person is not there anymore in the circles because she is busy with her new life .

the wings are broken now . im not flying without them . i don't find it sharing every morning anymore. i dont find it your solitary life . dont find it in your words and simple line .

you are always welcomed to my life if you change your mind when the perfect times come , 

when you remember endless conversation that we encounter , 
when you remember all our nicknames ,
when you know that your daily routines still running around in my mind , 
when you are ready to live up our stories .

again .


Thursday, June 4, 2015

nyai

the last time i met and talked to her was in march . i didn't quite remember what the last thing i said to her but i was sure that i hugged her and kissed her hand before i was leaving for kuala kangsar . she looked blithe but women were full of lies , weren't they ? i didn't take her lies for serious because if i was worried about her , she got thousand time worrier .

her health condition wasn't in form actually for the past several years and accepting the fact that hospital bp was and currently like my family's second home , i leave her , smiled and waved as usual , never thought it would be my last .

a month ago , when i stepped up into the bus , forgetting all the burden on my shoulder,  there were bunch of things in my mind , heading for home for makdik's wedding . but never expected that one thing.  the situation that no one in this world wanted to be in which was loss of loved ones . i might be loving someone or two but family came on top wasn't it . 

the wedding's ceremony went as planned even without her presence as she was in hospital . not much to say about it as there was nothing to emphasize . the next day , the sign became clearer where her last breath was could be any time and any given moments . alhamdulillah even she didn't knew i was there but Allah still gave me the chance to sit beside her at her last moments , whispering syahadaa to her ears and had a little unreplied chat with her . 

close to her ear , i thanked her for everything , i try to remind her our memories when i was still a child . her ikan selar masak kuning became my favourite meal , her lempeng cecah gula in the morning of holidays , her nice sewing on my trousers and the list went on , infinitily. i did that as abah said she could hear me . i assumed it was true as i could see her closed right eyes were wet in tears . i did the same but in much bigger amount for sure . hope she knew it was me .  i was there . before she left to meet the Almighty .

i was there at her funerals . cant type anymore.. :(

it's now the mid-year holiday and got home . for other students and people ,this holidays differs nothing from the others but frankly not for me . it might seem like a normal holiday but i could feel huge , mammoth difference . especially when arrived home , for sure . i used to imagine that the number of the family would rise to eight . it had came true , but only for a day . the truth was it's still seven .

just yesterday night , i extremely felt something was missing and then i realized. usually she would come , walking to me , handling me that red blanket that she kept in her room. every single night i was there , she'd always done that .so i walked up into her room , looking for that blanket but ending up sitting on her bed , in tears . looking at her nicely folded kain batik urge me to picture her wearing those , waking me up in the morning ...

i wasn't gonna lie but i spent most of my childhood with her . in her lifetime , she only got two grandchild , one girl and one boy which was me . i could not imagine her love towards me but for sure it must be endless. 

you will always get a place in my heart . forever . 

thank you for everything , nyai .



Thursday, January 1, 2015

tiada seindah sengihan mu o:)

January 1st 2015 . 17 years old babyyy

things doesn't happened as expected . i planned that this would be my last note for 2014 , but He only let me to post this as the first note of this year . forgetting about that , my first sentence of this paragraph is synonym with the type of life i've been through in last year as well . the environment and the experience was enormously different than my previous years . one of the main factor is of course , school ; the location not to forget . i don't think to sum up last year in this note ; just like i summed up pmr examination in a post and finally resulting of a 13 paragraphs note , winner for the longest notes .

as everyone has gone through in all kind of holidays before this , at the starting point of it , plenty of productive and interesting things to do got stuck in my mind . from helping Abah at his work whenever he ask for it or not to taking a tuition class for subject i have trouble to deal with , from reading those 'interesting' super thick spm revision books to hanging out with old friends or i can say important character in my life story line while the time's last , now it's all about 10 days left right now and it's a matter of fact that i won't be able to get or ... ironically create a kind of fictional remote control that can rewind the time, just like that one movie, to get things all done . but it get even better ...

it's been around a month that you become my close friend , in whatsapp , for sure .  what i was amazed about my own self when chatting with u , u mysteriously let me to just be me . be Hafiz Amni , rather than having the stress to think what to reply , what's the next sentence or even suitable smiley that suited the sentence . my little fingers just dancing and tapping continuously and i could say , on fire to type . i'm comfortable . u comforts me the way other people can't do . u are a type of girl that make me crave for more  , more of your message and i can feel my own delight of joy whenever i received or gone to received any reply from u . gitu lah

but I try to convince myself that im not doing this for fun or worse , to flirt .  i just wanna make friends ; not those kind of relationship that most people around me craving for . real friend . sharing everything with each other without any hope or hidden intention and feeling. just let it all out . alhamdulillah we had knew each other life principle . that really help me a lot to control myself from taking the next step . the thing i avoid the most for this moment . the way we talked like we've been together for a long time . i can feel the electromagnetic force that combine us together by a strange kind of bond . from family , routine and life principle towards funny stories , laughter and temporarily sad moment , all of that are just little fraction of the joy we had. alahaii

currently , i know how to handle our conversation but im not sure if i can handle our feelings . hope there's no addition . accepting the fact that i won't be able to contact you this year because of spm kindly gave me mini heart attack at first . but parents always wanted the best for their child . it's only your twin now that i have . ceh .  i think it's not crossing the line if i say this : i hope i can meet you someday and be crazy like these days , this holiday ; a holiday of you . haha . ni tengah sengih ni .


but , you you , read this , im officially add you as the main character in my life story line :) tata



Saturday, December 13, 2014

final exam and the consequences

those days when i was still on the first desk , top left corner of the biology lab , cut the spinach stem and made it into two strips and one immersed into the distilled water and the other one into sucrose solution , still flashing in my eyes .  it was Biology Practical Test . just for boarding school for the final exam . it was the starting point of the test that define where are you next year and who are you for the next 20 years . exaggeration ? no , it's true , for me .

only we knew how our condition while taking the exam . each and everyone left their soulmate alone ; just like me start leaving my only sister alone at home , making books their new soulmates . things that they chased the most . just for a month for sure . i had nothing to leave because im bare-handed there.  thanks i had enjoyable crazy friends to spend time with me to sing at late midnight when it was getting more and more silent , when heads were getting more and more towards the book and sometimes too down that arm became a perfect pillow :3

started by Biology Practical Test , ended by Biology Paper 2 . that moment when teacher said that the time's up , our minds's completely went super crazy ; i knew i could see it on their faces , not mentioning what in earth of answer that we put on the paper , it's all over ! but the fact that we had 3 weeks to stay slightly dumped us down to earth . but again , October ,the period of a month of pressure . the only month the pages of the book were all skimmed through . procrastination at its best . but never mind , my other bros did the same too . peer pressure at its best .

no one will push you to the ultimate goals you capable to achieve unless you and yourself . I didn't remember pushing myself rather than countless hour being in front of those books ; trying to read and remember every single things that have been printed and written on ; that now are messily on the floor in my full blue room if it has theme . buuuuut in the end even i didn't get what i really wanted all over this overwhelming year , at least im still in the first class next year . Alhamdulillah :)

nervous ? yeah for sure . to sit and share the same fan in the same room with those geniuses is quite challenging . im not knowing that if i can change my style of learning from the daydreaming type towards more curious about what im currently learning ; just like my friend did ; ask ask and ask without realizing that me at the back , counting how many friends of mine who are left-handed when it's a chemistry class :o can't find any relation there . what a waste . aannnd he's first in the class for this final bruhhh . one step behind .

the pressure that have been put on me as the newcomer this year is just incomprehensible . trying to adapt with the situation . unusual culture and tradition . the tradition is not good in whatever way you take into account but the word tradition itself describe how strong it is and one  ,who want to change it must be much more stronger to change it . physically and mentally . but nevermind , i've gone through it . it's gonna be tough for burung 1516.


looking forward to write a book entitled 'Escape Plan'
my heart told me to do so . idk why

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

chasing after

a few years ago when i just a few centimeters taller than my mom , i didn't had a clear vision about what would happen to my life or what my life was going to be . tiny knowledge about the reality of life drove me onto a beautiful life , back then , but not so beautiful in my eyes , right now , as i imagined and disastrously bad i could say . why ? even clueless and worthless little things could really brought my days down. it was 'she' , to be honest . *heavybreath*

a few years gone and here i was sitting in rumah nyai during a week off of school , i didn't know if it just me or i was really being on the right track . being trusted and known among the teachers and friends due to my studies extremely gave me goosebumps at first , as i guessed i wasn't really deserved to be treated that way , but He wanted to show what i was capable to do through this way , so that's how it went . 

that's one thing . the another thing was , what people around me chose to chase the most . a soulmate . i still couldn't find any noun or term to describe what i'd been through . still not sure or convincing , just like other people's story . but my story was different , it was incredibly sure at some particular moments , but in the other days , it could be , pathetic , i couldn't put myself together . well , a thousand time to repeat , not even once i'd been tiring , i was worried . 

life's handling you lemons , make lemonade then , right ? but if i couldn't bear this , how could i suppose to drag my whole attention towards the things i should , capable , worth and convincing to do then ? i truly an expert in self-lying ; where several voices in my heads in any circumstances where sometimes i chose to do the thing against my first intention. but in this case , my brain decided to not syncing with my heart well . feeling stupid was normal sometimes , spending times for this , for her . 

yeah of course , i felt the presence of the unwanted . always , i repeat , always . but i won't blame u about your acceptance towards the unwanted because i knew you , just like u said that i was a piece of u , that even when you claimed that you wanted to change yourself , it sounded good and interesting , but in the end , you would always be you .  i couldn't help . you was born that way , thanks to your mom anyway .

i always believed in you , but , if  , one days , you had a memory lost , i wanted to be the first person u recognized while recovering and approached me romantically .... ok that's too much . no no .

mark my words , the moment u had even a tiny particle of emotion and instinct in your incomprehensible heart that i , intentionally , was ignoring u and acted like too busy in your eyes and you , who then had a desire to take a step away from me , just bear in your minds ,  i was following u . the faster u ran away , the faster i would sprint to u , even just a couple of steps behind u . i was still watching . like i'd always done . 

because one day , i would stop deciding to be behind you because i would stand in front of you , fulfilling my promise . 

" the dreams that u won't have anymore,
  i promise that i won't go "


Sunday, January 19, 2014

sekarang dah bijak sikit kot.

it was 15th jan when i just went back from school , mama said that she got a message from an unknown number , saying that i was accepted into sbp and asked me to check moe.gov.my for futher information . instead of being lazy and play procrastinate as i had always done , with mama's beside me , i rushingly browse the web and found that the kementerian pendidikan offers me a better place to study , a malay college , where it will be in kuala kangsar , a premier all-boys and all-malays sbp , with such a great history and graduate . well then , my mind had gone crazy that exact moment , but still couldn't found any terms to name that feeling .

after knowing that i need to register on 5th of feb , i counted the remaining days i had in parit raja , and in tun ismail esp :'( i was then skimming through all documents that will need to be printed out and guess what , i need to buy a lot of things ; new school uniform , pairs of white-cloured trousers , shoes , sport shoes , tracksuit , kain pelikat , torchlight , stamps oh come on . i need to get a medical check-up , i think i'm in a good condition right now , but still doesn't know how my 'inside' condition .

my heart was convincing me to tell about this to my close friends and person but my mind didn't agree about that . then i realised that it will be a shocking ( and even sad ) news for some people and decided not to draw attention and keep my mouth shutted up . but at that night , i call someone who means so much to me after i texted her about this and as i'd expected , we got into a deep sentimental conversation , accompanied by tears all around . i couldn't bear her tears , so i shed some , meh .

the next day , my whole class had knew this , thanks to iman for spreading the news -.-, also my form teachers who took my name and put it in 'will-left' list i guess . amirul was leaving the school that day and will move to sekolah teknik in jb if i'm not wrong , a little farewell was handled . i was thinking lah kan ,  how my farewell will be :/

at night , in the morning technically , i called two more people and tell them about this . then i got the expression that i guess . i feel really bad to tell them but things will get even worse if i didn't tell them :p 

i'm excited to go there . fulfilling my promise to Abah is one of my greatest achievement .

but deep inside , i feel uncomfy about myself .






Thursday, December 26, 2013

cicak .

beberapa hari lepas , genap setahun tarikh ramalan puak Mayan bahawa dunia kiamat . siap ada filem yang di buat dengan tajuk 'tahun lepas' menunjukkan keadaan pada hari tersebut . aku still mencari-cari apa yang ingin disampaikan oleh pengarah filem tersebut , soal duit tu memang dah pasti lah , maksud aku , moral value nya . ketika tu , genre filem ni sci-fi atau mungkin horror tapi sekarang filem tu jadi filem komedi . see ? tak payah mengerah keringat otak memikirkan pasal hari 'tu' , tugas kita untuk bersedia untuk hari 'tu'.

bercerita soal persediaan , aku masih di buai perasaan bahawa cuti masih panjang even minggu depan dah sekolah . dengan baju sekolah yang entah kemana , kasut sekolah yang tersadai di rak kasut , alat tulis yang masih elok kat dalam bekas transparent yang di bawak masuk dalam dewan time pmr , buku rujukan yang amat disanjung tinggi martabatnya sebelum tarikh 2 oktober 2013 and sekarang dah bergelimpangan kat atas katil . 

tak lama lagi angka 15 diganti dengan angka 16 . Hafiz Amni dah 16 tahun , tak padan dulu kerja nangis je xD tapi sebenarnya angka tu cuma ilusi je . pasaipa ? aku habiskan 1 per 3 hidup aku untuk tidur . see ? aku belum betul betul 15 tahun sekarang . kita semua ditipu oleh umur kita sendiri . so memang tak pelik lah kalau kita masih kebudak-budakan . pretending to be mature is a waste of time for teenagers .

apa yang aku rasa rugi tentang kehidupan aku tahun ni ialah aku banyak belajar kerana exam . bukan belajar cara nak mengubah hidup aku yang tak tentu hala ni . 

tapi antara satu benda yang aku pelajari tahun ni ialah sehebat mana pun perancangan and kehendak kau , kalau Allah kata tak , tak lah jadinya . kadang-kadang kita terlalu memikirkan kehendak kita , apa yang kita tak ada sedangkan betapa banyaknya rezeki kita hadap tiap tiap hari . 

walaupun jauh di sudut hati , ada satu benda yang diidam idamkan belum tercapai , walaupun 'benda' tu dah ada depan mata . tapi siapalah aku untuk dia . mungkin memang tugas aku untuk sentiasa berada di belakang , menjadi pelindung tak rasmi dirinya , sesuai dengan maksud nama aku :)



and one more thing , kata kata tu doa , right ? so jangan lah suatu hari nanti aku melekat kat dinding . 

hey jangan lah terasa .


Thursday, December 19, 2013

But now I'm the happiest man ever .

Just yesterday night i couldn't fell asleep , nervous , thinking about how my pmr result would be , the last pmr ever , and all the consequences , especially that one type of people's annoying question ; "Dapat berapa A?" -_-

That's one thing , the another thing I imagined was how my parents will react to my result . Even if they'd never put a target for my result , or maybe they didn't have the guts to say that to me , but i could saw it in their eyes . Their hopes .

It didn't ended right there mate , on twitter , most of the tweets were all about pmr and what they felt , imagined , worried at that exact moment which was really really related to mine . I was also pretty sure that these things rose my overthinking state .

I took a quick hypnosis session and fell asleep in a deep level of relaxation  . It worked .