Thursday, June 4, 2015


the last time i met and talked to her was in march . i didn't quite remember what the last thing i said to her but i was sure that i hugged her and kissed her hand before i was leaving for kuala kangsar . she looked blithe but women were full of lies , weren't they ? i didn't take her lies for serious because if i was worried about her , she got thousand time worrier .

her health condition wasn't in form actually for the past several years and accepting the fact that hospital bp was and currently like my family's second home , i leave her , smiled and waved as usual , never thought it would be my last .

a month ago , when i stepped up into the bus , forgetting all the burden on my shoulder,  there were bunch of things in my mind , heading for home for makdik's wedding . but never expected that one thing.  the situation that no one in this world wanted to be in which was loss of loved ones . i might be loving someone or two but family came on top wasn't it . 

the wedding's ceremony went as planned even without her presence as she was in hospital . not much to say about it as there was nothing to emphasize . the next day , the sign became clearer where her last breath was could be any time and any given moments . alhamdulillah even she didn't knew i was there but Allah still gave me the chance to sit beside her at her last moments , whispering syahadaa to her ears and had a little unreplied chat with her . 

close to her ear , i thanked her for everything , i try to remind her our memories when i was still a child . her ikan selar masak kuning became my favourite meal , her lempeng cecah gula in the morning of holidays , her nice sewing on my trousers and the list went on , infinitily. i did that as abah said she could hear me . i assumed it was true as i could see her closed right eyes were wet in tears . i did the same but in much bigger amount for sure . hope she knew it was me .  i was there . before she left to meet the Almighty .

i was there at her funerals . cant type anymore.. :(

it's now the mid-year holiday and got home . for other students and people ,this holidays differs nothing from the others but frankly not for me . it might seem like a normal holiday but i could feel huge , mammoth difference . especially when arrived home , for sure . i used to imagine that the number of the family would rise to eight . it had came true , but only for a day . the truth was it's still seven .

just yesterday night , i extremely felt something was missing and then i realized. usually she would come , walking to me , handling me that red blanket that she kept in her room. every single night i was there , she'd always done that .so i walked up into her room , looking for that blanket but ending up sitting on her bed , in tears . looking at her nicely folded kain batik urge me to picture her wearing those , waking me up in the morning ...

i wasn't gonna lie but i spent most of my childhood with her . in her lifetime , she only got two grandchild , one girl and one boy which was me . i could not imagine her love towards me but for sure it must be endless. 

you will always get a place in my heart . forever . 

thank you for everything , nyai .