hilang seri sengihan mu :/

at this exact moment last year , i would lay back on sofa with tv turned on showing kami histeria just to avoid ultimate silent  , my eyes and all my might were on my symbian nokia phone , typing and struggling but didn't feel that struggle back then like i said . it was wonderful . not that i didn't have any other things to do but i always made my time for you without realizing that those moments aren't repeatable this moment this year.

i was happy hearing that you were not alone anymore . well i was surprised at first to be honest as he was my friend . close friend back then . so close that i could reach his house in 5 minutes to ask him the truth but i didn't bother to do nonsense like that . one sentence popped in my mind at that time like oh no she broke her life principle . never thought it could be worse.

i thought that the moment we finished our battle as a students would amazing for us to continue our craziness but you are n't even responding to me right now . not a single bye or even hi that could enlighten me up like those days where your stories were in my mind . 

it's good to be loyal but .. at this moment , it was pretty unsure if your loyalty could be sustained until i see you both together as a family one day . i'm not saying that's impossible because i kind of doing the same damn thing but what i didn't do is abandoning friends. your story might tell me different thing in different perception that could blow my mind but the thing is , the privileges to hear your stories are now completely gone , sadly . your stories are now with him.

it's funny when we put trust on someone especially on their words and they act against them . i barely remember your life principle that i could write it down here but what i'm sure is you wont cross the line when the time isn't suitable  . you hurt once and you wont come back . do send him a deepest gratitude if he did a good work avoiding that to happen again .  but look at you now . i glad you are still happy and hoping you always will be .

i may came up late in your life story line , just like you came up all of the sudden changing my point of view on different gender friendship. but all my fear after all this time if one of us fall to another and ruining the beauty of friendship but it is different as you fall to another person .

at this moment you might be saying oh fiz do you only have me in your circle of friends or you still have your main character of your life right and yes the others i still have them but one person is not there anymore in the circles because she is busy with her new life .

the wings are broken now . im not flying without them . i don't find it sharing every morning anymore. i dont find it your solitary life . dont find it in your words and simple line .

you are always welcomed to my life if you change your mind when the perfect times come , 

when you remember endless conversation that we encounter , 

when you remember all our nicknames ,

when you know that your daily routines still running around in my mind , 

when you are ready to live up our stories .

again .

nyai

the last time i met and talked to her was in march . i didn't quite remember what the last thing i said to her but i was sure that i hugged her and kissed her hand before i was leaving for kuala kangsar . she looked blithe but women were full of lies , weren't they ? i didn't take her lies for serious because if i was worried about her , she got thousand time worrier .

her health condition wasn't in form actually for the past several years and accepting the fact that hospital bp was and currently like my family's second home , i leave her , smiled and waved as usual , never thought it would be my last .

a month ago , when i stepped up into the bus , forgetting all the burden on my shoulder,  there were bunch of things in my mind , heading for home for makdik's wedding . but never expected that one thing.  the situation that no one in this world wanted to be in which was loss of loved ones . i might be loving someone or two but family came on top wasn't it . 

the wedding's ceremony went as planned even without her presence as she was in hospital . not much to say about it as there was nothing to emphasize . the next day , the sign became clearer where her last breath was could be any time and any given moments . alhamdulillah even she didn't knew i was there but Allah still gave me the chance to sit beside her at her last moments , whispering syahadaa to her ears and had a little unreplied chat with her . 

close to her ear , i thanked her for everything , i try to remind her our memories when i was still a child . her ikan selar masak kuning became my favourite meal , her lempeng cecah gula in the morning of holidays , her nice sewing on my trousers and the list went on , infinitily. i did that as abah said she could hear me . i assumed it was true as i could see her closed right eyes were wet in tears . i did the same but in much bigger amount for sure . hope she knew it was me .  i was there . before she left to meet the Almighty .

i was there at her funerals . cant type anymore.. :(

it's now the mid-year holiday and got home . for other students and people ,this holidays differs nothing from the others but frankly not for me . it might seem like a normal holiday but i could feel huge , mammoth difference . especially when arrived home , for sure . i used to imagine that the number of the family would rise to eight . it had came true , but only for a day . the truth was it's still seven .

just yesterday night , i extremely felt something was missing and then i realized. usually she would come , walking to me , handling me that red blanket that she kept in her room. every single night i was there , she'd always done that .so i walked up into her room , looking for that blanket but ending up sitting on her bed , in tears . looking at her nicely folded kain batik urge me to picture her wearing those , waking me up in the morning ...

i wasn't gonna lie but i spent most of my childhood with her . in her lifetime , she only got two grandchild , one girl and one boy which was me . i could not imagine her love towards me but for sure it must be endless. 

you will always get a place in my heart . forever . 

thank you for everything , nyai .