Saturday, December 13, 2014

final exam and the consequences

those days when i was still on the first desk , top left corner of the biology lab , cut the spinach stem and made it into two strips and one immersed into the distilled water and the other one into sucrose solution , still flashing in my eyes .  it was Biology Practical Test . just for boarding school for the final exam . it was the starting point of the test that define where are you next year and who are you for the next 20 years . exaggeration ? no , it's true , for me .

only we knew how our condition while taking the exam . each and everyone left their soulmate alone ; just like me start leaving my only sister alone at home , making books their new soulmates . things that they chased the most . just for a month for sure . i had nothing to leave because im bare-handed there.  thanks i had enjoyable crazy friends to spend time with me to sing at late midnight when it was getting more and more silent , when heads were getting more and more towards the book and sometimes too down that arm became a perfect pillow :3

started by Biology Practical Test , ended by Biology Paper 2 . that moment when teacher said that the time's up , our minds's completely went super crazy ; i knew i could see it on their faces , not mentioning what in earth of answer that we put on the paper , it's all over ! but the fact that we had 3 weeks to stay slightly dumped us down to earth . but again , October ,the period of a month of pressure . the only month the pages of the book were all skimmed through . procrastination at its best . but never mind , my other bros did the same too . peer pressure at its best .

no one will push you to the ultimate goals you capable to achieve unless you and yourself . I didn't remember pushing myself rather than countless hour being in front of those books ; trying to read and remember every single things that have been printed and written on ; that now are messily on the floor in my full blue room if it has theme . buuuuut in the end even i didn't get what i really wanted all over this overwhelming year , at least im still in the first class next year . Alhamdulillah :)

nervous ? yeah for sure . to sit and share the same fan in the same room with those geniuses is quite challenging . im not knowing that if i can change my style of learning from the daydreaming type towards more curious about what im currently learning ; just like my friend did ; ask ask and ask without realizing that me at the back , counting how many friends of mine who are left-handed when it's a chemistry class :o can't find any relation there . what a waste . aannnd he's first in the class for this final bruhhh . one step behind .

the pressure that have been put on me as the newcomer this year is just incomprehensible . trying to adapt with the situation . unusual culture and tradition . the tradition is not good in whatever way you take into account but the word tradition itself describe how strong it is and one  ,who want to change it must be much more stronger to change it . physically and mentally . but nevermind , i've gone through it . it's gonna be tough for burung 1516.

looking forward to write a book entitled 'Escape Plan'
my heart told me to do so . idk why

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

chasing after

a few years ago when i just a few centimeters taller than my mom , i didn't had a clear vision about what would happen to my life or what my life was going to be . tiny knowledge about the reality of life drove me onto a beautiful life , back then , but not so beautiful in my eyes , right now , as i imagined and disastrously bad i could say . why ? even clueless and worthless little things could really brought my days down. it was 'she' , to be honest . *heavybreath*

a few years gone and here i was sitting in rumah nyai during a week off of school , i didn't know if it just me or i was really being on the right track . being trusted and known among the teachers and friends due to my studies extremely gave me goosebumps at first , as i guessed i wasn't really deserved to be treated that way , but He wanted to show what i was capable to do through this way , so that's how it went . 

that's one thing . the another thing was , what people around me chose to chase the most . a soulmate . i still couldn't find any noun or term to describe what i'd been through . still not sure or convincing , just like other people's story . but my story was different , it was incredibly sure at some particular moments , but in the other days , it could be , pathetic , i couldn't put myself together . well , a thousand time to repeat , not even once i'd been tiring , i was worried . 

life's handling you lemons , make lemonade then , right ? but if i couldn't bear this , how could i suppose to drag my whole attention towards the things i should , capable , worth and convincing to do then ? i truly an expert in self-lying ; where several voices in my heads in any circumstances where sometimes i chose to do the thing against my first intention. but in this case , my brain decided to not syncing with my heart well . feeling stupid was normal sometimes , spending times for this , for her . 

yeah of course , i felt the presence of the unwanted . always , i repeat , always . but i won't blame u about your acceptance towards the unwanted because i knew you , just like u said that i was a piece of u , that even when you claimed that you wanted to change yourself , it sounded good and interesting , but in the end , you would always be you .  i couldn't help . you was born that way , thanks to your mom anyway .

i always believed in you , but , if  , one days , you had a memory lost , i wanted to be the first person u recognized while recovering and approached me romantically .... ok that's too much . no no .

mark my words , the moment u had even a tiny particle of emotion and instinct in your incomprehensible heart that i , intentionally , was ignoring u and acted like too busy in your eyes and you , who then had a desire to take a step away from me , just bear in your minds ,  i was following u . the faster u ran away , the faster i would sprint to u , even just a couple of steps behind u . i was still watching . like i'd always done . 

because one day , i would stop deciding to be behind you because i would stand in front of you , fulfilling my promise . 

" the dreams that u won't have anymore,
  i promise that i won't go "

Sunday, January 19, 2014

sekarang dah bijak sikit kot.

it was 15th jan when i just went back from school , mama said that she got a message from an unknown number , saying that i was accepted into sbp and asked me to check for futher information . instead of being lazy and play procrastinate as i had always done , with mama's beside me , i rushingly browse the web and found that the kementerian pendidikan offers me a better place to study , a malay college , where it will be in kuala kangsar , a premier all-boys and all-malays sbp , with such a great history and graduate . well then , my mind had gone crazy that exact moment , but still couldn't found any terms to name that feeling .

after knowing that i need to register on 5th of feb , i counted the remaining days i had in parit raja , and in tun ismail esp :'( i was then skimming through all documents that will need to be printed out and guess what , i need to buy a lot of things ; new school uniform , pairs of white-cloured trousers , shoes , sport shoes , tracksuit , kain pelikat , torchlight , stamps oh come on . i need to get a medical check-up , i think i'm in a good condition right now , but still doesn't know how my 'inside' condition .

my heart was convincing me to tell about this to my close friends and person but my mind didn't agree about that . then i realised that it will be a shocking ( and even sad ) news for some people and decided not to draw attention and keep my mouth shutted up . but at that night , i call someone who means so much to me after i texted her about this and as i'd expected , we got into a deep sentimental conversation , accompanied by tears all around . i couldn't bear her tears , so i shed some , meh .

the next day , my whole class had knew this , thanks to iman for spreading the news -.-, also my form teachers who took my name and put it in 'will-left' list i guess . amirul was leaving the school that day and will move to sekolah teknik in jb if i'm not wrong , a little farewell was handled . i was thinking lah kan ,  how my farewell will be :/

at night , in the morning technically , i called two more people and tell them about this . then i got the expression that i guess . i feel really bad to tell them but things will get even worse if i didn't tell them :p 

i'm excited to go there . fulfilling my promise to Abah is one of my greatest achievement .

but deep inside , i feel uncomfy about myself .