Wednesday, September 17, 2014

chasing after

a few years ago when i just a few centimeters taller than my mom , i didn't had a clear vision about what would happen to my life or what my life was going to be . tiny knowledge about the reality of life drove me onto a beautiful life , back then , but not so beautiful in my eyes , right now , as i imagined and disastrously bad i could say . why ? even clueless and worthless little things could really brought my days down. it was 'she' , to be honest . *heavybreath*

a few years gone and here i was sitting in rumah nyai during a week off of school , i didn't know if it just me or i was really being on the right track . being trusted and known among the teachers and friends due to my studies extremely gave me goosebumps at first , as i guessed i wasn't really deserved to be treated that way , but He wanted to show what i was capable to do through this way , so that's how it went . 

that's one thing . the another thing was , what people around me chose to chase the most . a soulmate . i still couldn't find any noun or term to describe what i'd been through . still not sure or convincing , just like other people's story . but my story was different , it was incredibly sure at some particular moments , but in the other days , it could be , pathetic , i couldn't put myself together . well , a thousand time to repeat , not even once i'd been tiring , i was worried . 

life's handling you lemons , make lemonade then , right ? but if i couldn't bear this , how could i suppose to drag my whole attention towards the things i should , capable , worth and convincing to do then ? i truly an expert in self-lying ; where several voices in my heads in any circumstances where sometimes i chose to do the thing against my first intention. but in this case , my brain decided to not syncing with my heart well . feeling stupid was normal sometimes , spending times for this , for her . 

yeah of course , i felt the presence of the unwanted . always , i repeat , always . but i won't blame u about your acceptance towards the unwanted because i knew you , just like u said that i was a piece of u , that even when you claimed that you wanted to change yourself , it sounded good and interesting , but in the end , you would always be you .  i couldn't help . you was born that way , thanks to your mom anyway .

i always believed in you , but , if  , one days , you had a memory lost , i wanted to be the first person u recognized while recovering and approached me romantically .... ok that's too much . no no .

mark my words , the moment u had even a tiny particle of emotion and instinct in your incomprehensible heart that i , intentionally , was ignoring u and acted like too busy in your eyes and you , who then had a desire to take a step away from me , just bear in your minds ,  i was following u . the faster u ran away , the faster i would sprint to u , even just a couple of steps behind u . i was still watching . like i'd always done . 

because one day , i would stop deciding to be behind you because i would stand in front of you , fulfilling my promise . 

" the dreams that u won't have anymore,
  i promise that i won't go "